-- its just not easy--

i dont want it to feel more secure about what we have, because ive come to the point where i trust you. i dont want it because its the next step. i dont want it because its been nine months. i dont want it because everyone else has it. i want it because i love you. and it would make me happy if i could call you my boyfriend

maybe it was the fact that she wanted to hold on to it that made it more slippery. because the more she grabbed on to what they had, the more it slipped away from her.

one winterday when they were laying in bed he asked her out. he probably didnt want to he wasnt the type for titles but it had already been three months and she had begun to nag about it. she of course said yes and this is when they officaially became a couple. and this is probably when she began to grab too hard. soon after they became a couple the girl got her job back at the sleazy place full of sleazy giuys. now they were sleazy guys because even the smallest bit of tight clothing would turn them on and they would suddenly become a bunch of horn dogs that couldnt control what they were saying ans the girl liked this attention.

sure shed been called pretty and cute before but there was just something about being stared at that she loved. she now realizes how disgusting it is, because rather then have the balls to actuallydo something about it the stared and made rude comments.

now this did not make her beau happy at all and she really should have listened to him then ( by the way he should probably stop reading this now because hes heard all this before and probably wont believe her even now) but she should have listened to him when he said she should leave once school started back up again but she didnt. she thought she could make work and school a balanced thing in her life. it failed in highschool so why wouldnt it work now. if she could do anything at all to her story, she would go back to the part where she ignored his please. beacuse maybe then things would have turned out okay between them instead of being as fucked up as they are.

it started out slow. that would be nice to say but thats not the truth. they kissed on the first “date”. and that night she slept with him. now calm down she had some morals, she didnt have sex with him. she just slept in the same bed as him. which was completely out of the ordinary for her. she had never slept with a guy before. which may not seem like a big deal but it was to her. its all she had ever wanted to do with her ex. all they had ever talked about. good night wish i was sleeping with you. now she was sleeping with this guy she didnt really know and she couldnt be any more nervous. she was more nervous then when they went to dinner. she didnt sleep for nearly two hours. the snoring, her full bladder. but she did get to sleep eventually. and she didnt regret a moment of it.

 evry night from then on she would sleep with him, as often as she could. and with everynight she grew to like him a little bit more. she would hang out with him whenever she could. now they wouldnt do anything fancy she didnt mind that one bit. she just liked spending time with him. he was older. he was popular. he was the kind of guy who would have never looked her way in highschool. it was her first actual relationship with a guy she had no prior knowledge of. her ex and her “ex” they had crushes on her first but she made the first move. and this wasn’t before being in many classes with them.

but this guy was completely different. he made the first move and she didnt turn him down like every other guy. there was something that made this guy different. she didnt even know him but she could get to know him. she only had a crush so she began to like him. she then started to like him and the fact that she could grow to love him made it so new and unique. she was used to starting out with i love yous but she hadnt even mentioned it to him once. the fact that she could kept her going back for more. she wanted to know him to be with him. because when she was she was a different kind of happy and she liked it. and she wanted to hold on to it.

there once was a girl in a new strange environment. she had to make new friends meet new people which she was never really good at , but this was a new step in her life so she really didnt have a choice in the matter. she did have a boyfriend who she really wasnt happy about lately but she decided to stick with him although she knew it wasnt what she wanted. because when you truly love someone you dont purposefully go around looking for an alternative. and eventually she found one. or he found her.

she saw him in the halls before. going into the room down the hall. and she saw the way that he looked at her. it wasnt just in her direction. she knew he was looking at her. he was tall. kinda built. kinda cute. and she kept seeing him around. never talked to him. so she had a crush. she told her bestfriend and somehow her over protective snoopy boyfriend found out and that was the end of that. looking back on it now she realizes that if he wasnt snooping there would be a good chance shed be with him at this moment. her crush was harmless and she wouldnt have acted on it. but shes glad that her ex went snooping. things wouldnt have turned out the way they are. and shes very glad that they did.

so she was single and that gave the guy the perfect oppurtunity. and her, she could hang out with him without feeling guilty, so she did. and she remembers that night clearly. she was the epitome of awkward. she could barely eat in front of him but she got comfortable still a bit awkward but more comfortable. and when she was sittin in his bed watching some movie or what not and he went to hold her hand, when he kissed her, wearing those glasses that made him look so cute, she melted. thinking about it now she still does. he may not have meant to be sweet, probably just one of his moves to get her to take her pants off, but she adored it. and it was just the start of something pretty amazing…to be continued